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Dirty Jokes - Calling the
Jackass
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad
day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take
that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T
know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I
remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and
dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I
politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that
anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number
and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there
on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a
jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word
"jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him
up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was
a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This
is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see
if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went,
"No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him
back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about
it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time
pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going
to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very
slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her
plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally
leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the
parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that,
Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro
completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't
even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are
a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For
Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the
number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number
on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,
"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black
Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house
and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I
had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several
months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't
as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought
and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely
saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black
Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying
your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now
Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I
was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover
as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang
war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and
headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of
each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of
the greatest experiences of my life!
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